July 27, 2016

Jubei Quest - Just Bean Brewed


After walking across sharks for what seemed like ages, Shiro and I finally arrive at the mainland and beeline it to the nearest town.  Too bad there are no immigration offices around because I can't understand a lick of what these folks are saying.  They just blather on and on, making no sense whatsoever.

Oh, so it's a nation of women, then?  HEYYYOOOO!

I head to the next town, hoping to find someone who speaks my native JRPGnese.  After talking to about fifteen people here, still no dice.  Getting exasperated, I power-walk to the final town in the area and still come up with nada.  Starting again from the first town, I find a hole in the ground just a bit north that I missed the first time.  Oh well, at least the monsters give good XP here.

Here's Shiro and I handling one of
the local menagerie with ease.

You'd think that our spy friend, Jirokichi, would be helpful in this situation, but you'd be dead wrong.  In fact, Jiro's performance over the past few chapters has steadily degraded.  Gone are the days of informative scrolls handcrafted with loving care and intel that is actually useful.  Instead, he just feeds me unsubstantiated rumours and hearsay and nowhere is it more obvious than here at the mainland.  Either Jiro knows the local dialect and should be translating for us, or he's just completely bullshitting me.  My money's on the latter.

That's obviously an embellishment, JK, but even if
it was true, what the fuck does that matter to me?
I'M AT HALF HIT POINTS AND
CAN'T STAY AT THE INN!

Anyway, back to the hole.  This little nerdlinger gives me a translation doohickey and soon we're embroiled in a local scandal involving illegal bean sprout trade.  Now, I'm no stranger to bean sprouts, as around half my suppers are fucking stir-fries, but I never figured them to be illicit in any way.  Further investigation reveals that it's actually a man named Lao Jai who wants to use the existing legal bean sprout trade route, ran by a Mr. Kyon Pi, to move his narcotic Ahan, which itself is derived from bean sprouts.  Kyon Pi is resisting Lao Jai's efforts which can lead to only one thing — MURDER!  The assassins strike down Kyon Pi right in front of us and disappear before any of us have a chance to care.  That little wiener that gave us the translator turns out to be Kyon Pi's son and now he wants to get back at Lao Jai for his father's brutal murder.  Well shit son, you are in luck because getting the revenge just happens to be the first and only question on the Nung Posse application form.  We all head to Pokin, where Lao Jai resides in his mansion.  Everyone in the town is right ripped on Ahan, except for one lovely lady who offers me a cup of tea.  I drink a pot of tea almost every day, so I immediately accept and, of course, it's spiked with Ahan, enough to knock all of us out.

Stupid like a fox!

We all awake inside of a cell with the real Lao Jai; the other is an evil imposter.  How to escape this trap?  Perhaps Jiro could appear and use some of his secret agent abilities to free us?  No, that won't work since he won't show his face if there's another person (or animal even) around, even if it means us rotting in here.  What's the next best solution?  Well, obviously it's to summon the spirit of Kyon Pi, have him hop all the way to Pikon, scare the Lao Jai imposter, causing him to fall down a flight of stairs, breaking his neck in the process, then take the key from the corpse and free us.  Ta-da!  From here, we head off to... oh wait, nevermind, chapter's over.  Ugh, looks like deciding to do one post per chapter was a stupid idea.  Then again, one could argue that this entire blog is a stupid idea, so I'll just stay the course.

Well, until next time, smoke 'em if you got 'em.

July 14, 2016

Jubei Quest - Alien Love Secrets


Shiro and I arrive in Shimonoseki, and later Iwami, with the expected results; there's a castle/fortress where some evil is going down and some people need rescuin'.  *yawn* Before I do all that, I think I need a nap first, if I can get this icky creep to stop following me around.

Jubei has a thing for traps.

All right, so what do we have here?  A bat-themed Dark Castle in which the bat lady has mesmerized a bunch of males?  Serves them right, the chauvinist pigs.  Oh fine, I'll still go but something interesting and completely sweet better happen because I have the feeling that this chapter is just as short as the second one.  Well, it turns out that the boss of Dark Castle is Kiriko from chapter one and she's a she instead of a he like I thought, but that's okay because Kiriko mistook my gender as well.  After we both check our privilege, she tells me that Bullmatsu has gone to the continent with the Shinkage and then flees, leaving me to deal with two of her minions.  I'd completely forgotten about the Shinkage and I'm not sure why I should start caring now, so instead it's off to the Yomi Cave via a back passage in the castle.  I was told that the Yomi Cave holds an ancient vessel and I'm really hoping it's an airship or hovercraft.

Or a spaceship.  Wasn't thinking that
interstellar vessels were even on the
table but, yeah, this'll do just fine.

A green-skinned alien starts to explain about an alien love child or doll which I think protects our world or something and is powered by Cosmotrons, possibly?  Shit, I'm having problems concentrating on what this guy is saying as my puny feudal mind is still reeling from the entire concept of outer space.  At any rate, he says I can have all this stuff he's — wait!  I can't be sure that this is a male, especially since it's alien.  It could be genderless for all I know.  Gotta make sure I don't offend our alien overlords.  Rephrasing.  At any rate, he/she/it says I can have all this stuff he/she/it's got stored in these capsules, but I can't have them now.  Instead, I should come back at any time I "feel it appropriate".  I'm feeling pretty damn appropriate right now, but I don't say that because I don't want to get atomized and I don't even know what that is.  Exiting, we fly back through that weird black sky with the tiny, round clouds and are dropped off in familiar territory.  Before leaving, the spaceship itself gives me an offer that it'll come to regret in the future.

How 'bout now?  Now's good.

The nearby town is completely deserted except for some guy, I mean person!, drowning just off shore.  I send Sabansuke out to rescue that thing, which he does but then he gets eaten by a shark.  When I try to reason with the shark, all it can do is "Grrrr" at me because that's what sharks sound like.  In order to talk with the great fish, I enlist the help of Mikazuki, whose husband we rescued from Dark Castle.

Turns out the shark is a total bro.

In return, Sharky calls up more sharks and they make a bridge of sharks for us to cross to the mainland.  Bridge of Sharks would make a great band name (and it's not already taken — I checked!).  This ends chapter four, which is kinda short so I'll flesh it out with a hefty monstage.  The game started dishing out more unique "damaged" sprites for the monsters (yes!) and I've included some of them as well.  So strap in, mofos, cause it clocks in at just over two minutes!  No caption for it either — just the pure, uncut monstage sexperience.

July 08, 2016

Jubei Quest - Transishen


Clearing the whirlpools allows our heroes to arrive in Kurebeppu unmolested and continue their search for Cosmotrons and revenges.  I use the term heroes lightly as within minutes of their arrival, they listen to a lady complain about losing her purse near the ferry, send Sabansuke out to retrieve it, and then promptly keep the hundred ryo found in the purse.

All within eyeshot of the lady.

Contemplating shaking down some of the other townsfolk, Jubei decides against it and instead learns about a volcano fire threatening the next town of Satsuma, which their local fireman, Sabu, has gone to fight.  The rest of the town has the basic amenities, like an inn and weapon shop, but a new store type is also present here; a registration office where character names can be changed!  So long, Jubei, it was nice knowing ya, but it's time for tha Shen-dawg to shine and — eh? — oh, Jubei's name can't be changed.  Son, I am disappoint.  But wait!  I can change Ryumi's name and since I already admitted to wearing panties last post, this isn't too far of a stretch.

That's pronounced Shee-en.

I'll take the lead there, Jubei, thanks.  Yeah, I don't care if I'm a hundred times weaker than you, you're being demoted.  This is now Shen Quest, motherfucker, the quest for gender identity acceptance!  The hilarious thing about this situation is that, even before this took place, I thought that the Ryumi sprite looked decidedly masculine when facing towards the screen.  I know it's suppose to be a scarf or something, but to me it looks like she's got a big ol' beard with a smile peeking out from it.

And now you can't unsee it either.

I'm finally in the game and I'm embracing my new role as cross-dressing leader.  I probably won't go as far as going trans, but who knows?  Anything could happen over the next few chapters.  At any rate, I've got a pile of ryo burning a hole in my new purse that I "found" and we all know that Shens be shoppin'.  I purchase a Crying Sword because it's super cute and a darling little number called Rose Armor.  I look good, I feel good, I'm fuckin' dead sexy in this armour — it's time to hit the club, girlfrans!  Kurebeppu doesn't even have a night club, so we're going to Satsuma to see if that scene is any better.  It isn't.  In fact, the entire town is covered in ash from the nearby volcano and everything is just super icky and grossers.

They should be using sake, which is
both sustainable and eco-friendly.

Apparently, the fire-fighting Sabu got all fucked up trying to put out the volcano (duh) and now is in need of something to cure his burns.  The only person who can do that is Gennai, who lives in Barbarstadt, which is filled with people with heavy German accents.  I can barely make out what anybody is saying, so I scope out the local market for shiny things to buy.  I don't find anything glittery, but I do get some chocolate, a pack of fags, and an adult magazine.  Taking the mag in hand, I excuse myself from Jubei and head to the can to say hi to my monster.  In a bizarre turn of events, it seems that this cross-dressing is affecting me in a most pronounced way.

This has literally never happened to me.

I find Gennai and can barely piece together from his accent that he's lonely and wants a woman.  Well, I'm close enough and so I utilize the one skill I have from the menu.

Oh, I hope this push-up bra doesn't
make my moobs look too lumpy.

The cool thing about working this skill is that I detach from Jubei and can walk around on my own, just in case my flirting leads to a nice pounding.  I actually tried leaving the town without Jubes, but the game wouldn't let me.  With his depression cured, Gennai joins as a helper and he can craft new items from existing ones.  It doesn't work on everything but his repertoire is still pretty impressive.  I know we need some Burnt Grass in order for him to make his patented Burn Cure, but so far I've found nothing to match that description.  With nothing more for me to do in Barbarstadt, it's off to the next town of Moji where I get stuck due to not being able to get through a crack at the back of a house because, as I was told, humans can't pass through a hole in the wall, only animals can.  This can mean only one thing — back to Shiro!  What was Shiro doing anyway?  Oh right, attempting to murder Zombie Momotaro.  Well, Shiro and Onitan are able to reach the other side of the island and find a mountain town where they pick up another companion.  This little cutie is a baby phoenix who sucks hard in combat but has the critical healing spell that the other two lack.

Don't sweat it, Feen, you can take 'em.

From here, the wandering monsters become more difficult and the high encounter rate is starting to take its toll.  It doesn't help that the island is covered in lava and spikes which do damage to the group, albeit just a small amount.  A long path around the center of the island has the frisky friends arrive at Monkey Mountain, which I was expecting to be a dungeon of sorts since I was informed that it was inhabited by "bad monkeys", but it turns out to be another town.  All the monkeys have been beat up by Zombie Momotaro, though this doesn't prevent some of them from still conducting business.  At the top of the mountain is the Monkey Boss, who flips out and attacks the pals, erroneously thinking that they're allies with Zombie Momotaro.  The fight isn't a tough one, thanks to Onitan successfully putting him to sleep with a lullaby in the first round and then all three of them bravely pounding on his dozing body.  When Monkey Boss Saru awakes, he disregards his multiple fatal wounds, apologizes to Shiro for his mistake, and joins the group.

I love how everyone in this game
is motivated by the revenge.

Saru is also holding a chick named Oniko, who was kidnapped from Hime, a small town located near the middle of the island.  Her father is a boatbuilder and, in gratitude, gives Shiro & friends a sturdy vessel in which to explore the sea surrounding the island.  Turns out the sea is more like a lake since it wraps back to the island fairly quickly.  But really, all that is needed is to get to a smaller island so that the fantastic four can retrieve the Ath Staff, which is needed to get into a shrine located on the awesomely named Hammer Isle.  Entering the shrine, the music immediately cuts off and dead silence follows.  In front of Shiro lie eight statues, each of which generate a musical note when pressed against.

A Minimoog would be preferred,
but this'll do in a pinch.

A Hime townsfolk had previously sung part of a song, which she called the Tulip Song, using the western notation for the major scale (Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti).  She didn't remember how the ending went and since I've never heard of the tulip song, it's off to the googles for some research.  Well, it's a Japanese children's song (no shock there) and there's a good number of vids playing it, but what I need is the sheet music and I'm coming up with nadda.  The best I can find is this little munchkin playing it on a synthesizer, which helps despite shaky camerawork from dad.  I'm still missing something though, so I'm getting the wife up off her knees and asking for her help.  She plays piano like a boss and has no problem laying out the correct note pattern after listening to the song.  Go team Nung!  With the last note still ringing in Shiro's ears, the entire party is teleported to the middle of the island, where Zombie Momotaro dwells in his peach-shaped castle surrounded by spikes, spiky mountains, and lava (with spikes on the bottom).

Okay, will admit a little jealousy here.

I didn't even realize the castle was a peach until Shiro reaches the main throne room and notes the ginormous peach in the back and Zombie Momotaro screaming about how he's in peach boy heaven.

The peach is rockin' a sweet 'stache for some reason.

Zombie Momotaro is quite the tough little nut to crack and beating him depletes all our heroes magic points to dangerously low levels.  In the end, Z.M. falls and then surprises Shiro and the gang by having a second form, which is audacious for someone who isn't a final boss.  Of course, his second form is some kind of wolfman with a shotgun (so predictable) and thankfully he can be beatdown with just regular attacks quite handily.  With the evil Momotaro's influence removed from the island, Shiro is informed that his real master lies in the world above this one.  Well, I think Shiro is beholden to no man, woman, or anything inbetween, but he still decides to jump on a giant bird, take one last tour of the island, and then heads off to the overworld to find his new partner.

♪ I can Shiro the world! ♫

Shiro is told to wait by the ol' cedar tree back yonder and then the focus returns to me, the fantabulous Shen and that other guy.  I use my power of the ancient art of metagaming to immediately go to the cedar tree, which was empty when I discovered it before aaaaand still is (except for some dude who is not Shiro).  Crap, looks like I have to buckle down and trigger some events.  I manage to cure the burns on the fire-fighting Sabu but haven't found any fires yet.  I'm on my third trip running around the overworld from town to town, choosing not to warp in case I missed a cave or something, and this encounter rate is just killin' me.  It's always so much more noticeable when I'm stuck like this and I'm already pissed because I'm stuck.  I eventually figure out that I need some oil from German Town but I hate talking to those guys.  This time I decide to do some online translating, which I should have done in the first place, as I found out that some guy wanted "zucker" which is sugar in German, and I have chocolate, which is close enough.  Now everything else is falling into place.  I know I'm on the right track because I find a place with many tiles of fire for Sabu, who's apparently near-sighted, to put out.

Fire's right behind you there, chief.

Sabu has a good motivation for destroying all this fire for us as his sister is being held captive in a prison with a door made from liquid hot magma.  Not one to be deterred by such a badass barrier, Sabu annihilates it by spinning around a bunch but comes at the cost of his life.  His sister vows revenge (I like her already) on the Flame King who is responsible for all this.  Returning to Satsuma, I find the entire place burning and am told that the Flame King is hiding somewhere in what remains of the town.  There's no wandering monsters so it's just a matter of walking everywhere until I stumble upon him.  With his defeat, finally everything is correctly triggered for me to hook up with my main poochie Shiro, closing Chapter 3 on a high note.

Oh, he wants to be called Wolf now.
Yeeeah, about that... ↓
So much for being partners.