July 25, 2015

Ninja Rahoi! - End Game

How could this game top the awesome terribleness of fish and fecal puns?  It can't, that's how.  No one can.  For the remainder of the game, Ninja Rahoi! dials it back closer to industry standards, albeit with plenty of modern-day references.

Hey, a 70's Python sketch counts as modern.

Shitose thankfully leaves after "guiding" us through the dungeon and Takamaru and I enjoy gulping down copious amounts of fresh air.  The next village is occupied by the Skull Clan and the turdsfolk are being corrupted by their presence.  Nothing a little Shentastic smack-down can't cure though.  The people are so grateful that they rename the village in my honour, from Skull Village 1 to Shen Village 1.  This kinda tips me off that there will be more villages to liberate but first I have to free my sister from the Skull's influence as well.

The same way I solve all my
problems — with mortal combat.

Like me, Akane has jutsu techniques but they are quite a bit different from mine; she tends towards buffs and status ailments while I'm more of a direct damage kinda guy.  Her jutsu powers up the same way mine does, which means lots of grinding for our little newcomer.  I'm glad Akane is my sister instead of a love interest, as most of these village hoes are all up ons my jock, like the true boss player I am.

That's great, I wasn't about to have them myself.

At this point, we can't continue any further as there is an impassable mountain range in the way.  Tobimasa, an engineering genius who helped us before by drying up a moat, comes through again with his construction of a Clockwork Tank.

Is it possible that I love tanks
just as much as I do airships?

In addition to being to just drive over the mountains, the tank actually functions in battle by automatically obliterating every enemy in our way.  It was thrilling for the first few fights but got old pretty quick due to getting spanked pretty bad by random encounters as we cross the rocky range.  The tank soon becomes superfluous as we reach shallow marshland and have to continue on foot.  We reach Boat Town, which doesn't have any boats in operation right now, but is the location of the final scroll we need.  Too bad the fisherman who had it (for some reason) got swallowed by a whale.  Well, that's that then.  If it isn't crushed, then it's completely digested by now.  And, at any rate, how would we even safely get into the wha-

Oh, of course, a tooth ladder.  I should have known.

We make our way down its esophagus, through it's surprisingly non-digestive system, and then have the easiest path decision ever to make.

Where's Shitose when you need him?  Also, eww.

Strangely enough, we find Tobimasa hanging out in one of the whale's eye sockets.  Not questioning at all how he got there, he gives me the final scroll I need for the ULTIMATE JUTSU as well as permission to use a boat in Boat Town.  Too bad the Skull Shogun shows up, completely pwns my punk ass, and takes all the scrolls away.  All that hard work, all that time spent, all that shit I literally had to go through, and SS just strolls in and snatches it from me.  Even the sailing ship we now have does nothing to alleviate my depression.  Only after freeing yet another town from the Skull Clan does a glimmer of hope come back, after a young man named Jubei gives me the Boat Scroll he stole from the Skull Shogun!  That glimmer bursts into a vibrant, pulsating cascade of determination after Tobimasa unveils his latest invention, a fucking Clockwork JET!  It functions just as one would expect; always going forward at a breakneck speed and no turning 180.  So titillated am I with this contraption, that I'm going to do a flyby of all the old areas during my worldwide tour.  Maybe I'll stumble across some lost island or a hidden cave stuffed with treasures.

Or this... this is good too.

All that's left is to go to Skull Castle and take on the Shogun.  Since we have one of the five scrolls needed to obtain ULTIMATE JUTSU, it seems we're at a stalemate; I'm anticipating a cinematic showdown with the Skull Shogun.  We've got a good number of high-end restorative items and all the decent jutsu techniques are maxed out.  I'm also deploying the oft-used level gain healing strategy; characters get full HP and JP after leveling, so I try to leave a buffer of around five fights worth of XP.  This allows me to work those jutsu techniques hard and increase the chances of going deep up in a difficult dungeon.  Soon aftering entering, though, we come across one of SS's minions that we've fought many times before in the past.  As confident as ever, the dumb bastard quickly fell to my standard opening play of invoking Doppel.  Doppel is a jutsu technique that allows me to make a clone of myself, albeit with far less hit points.  At first level, Doppel gives a single clone, which is still great on its own, but after completely powering up, this increases to a staggering three.  They're not just tanks, either; each one can use jutsu, though it all comes from the same pool.  They also benefit from Akane's buff spells, making them even more ridiculous.  I pity the foolish minor boss who thinks they could possibly have a chance against four Shens.  Having said that, the second minor boss kills me first round by getting a rare triple attack.  My second time through, I notice that the bosses are dropping scrolls; the very scrolls needed for that good jutsu.  So the Skull Shogun split up the scrolls amongst his minions, and then splits them up, they who have a terrible track record against me anyway?  A solid plan, to be sure, and one that leads me to obtain the ULTIMATE JUTSU so that I can actually damage the Shogun.  During our final descent, we wonder amongst ourselves (by ourselves, I mean the clones, not those other two) just what kind of mad man could conceive of such an obviously flawed plan.  Our question is soon answered.

Aww, the poor little guy seems scared and confused.

I watch the Skull Shogun spin around and around for about five minutes, hoping that he'll tucker himself out, but he's dancing like he's never danced before so we just attack him.

Oh, he doesn't look so tough...


The resulting battle is a long and arduous conflict but the Shogun only does straight damage, although it's a significant amount.  With five of our six members having access to healing jutsu, it was only a matter of time before the Shogun fell.  After we grind him into dust and save the world, the end credits roll as we travel back to all the villages and wrap up all the important loose ends.

I always considered this to be the REAL main quest.