February 07, 2014

Sansara Naga - Coming of Dragon Age

Just like her human counterparts, this feisty little femme can really pack away the calories and transform it into kilo after kilo of mass — only in Amai's case, it's solid draconic muscle instead of squishy fat.  Unfortunately, she's also taken to the habit of being a big baby and staying in bed all day, playing with all the toys I bought her.  Despite putting on the desirable weight, she continued to stay in her babby form and I was forced to try something else.

Which faded as soon as Shen had to
change that impossibly full diaper.

There had been some rumours of a band of thieves causing troubles and currently hiding out in the sewers.  The sewer is a maze of pipes and walkways and consists of an upper and lower level.  As one would expect from a sewer, the creatures within are tougher than normal but they also fetch an excellent price from the chemists.  This made the multiple trips down there tolerable as I was hard up for cash cash rupees.  The thieves' lair was easy enough to find; they had taken the time to spruce up the place with a little paint job.

Pretty sure that stealing is against the precepts of
Taoism, but nice use of cyan contrasts nonetheless.

I guess the thieves were relying on their disgusting hideout location to dissuade anyone from coming to fight them, because they were laughably easy to defeat (out of four thieves, only one fought).  My reward for this quest was a Dragoon Helmet, given to me by the elderly head maid of Hoverpool's castle (which had been sealed off from me until now).  With this item now on my head, I guess I'm a real Dragoon now!

Naw, I just got this hat from some
old bag for doing a murder for her.

Amai still wasn't impressed by my new headgear enough to evolve into something more useful, so off I went in search of a new quest.  A man named Ala Singh offered me his Dragoon Flute if only I would hunt down and kill a dinosaur that had been pestering him.  Since I want to become a Dragoon, I suppose that means I should try to get everything that the Dragoon line of merchandise offers.  Still, killing a dinosaur sounds tough; too bad I didn't have a dragon or something with me.  As I descended down the odd pink-hued caves, things got progressively more watery until I came across a large cavern with something huge swimming just below the water's surface.

Thank goodness I've already relieved myself
a bunch of times while down here.

Obviously, I was at a major disadvantage not only by being outweighed several times over but also being immersed in the ichthyosaur's natural element.  I sucked down all of grandmama's boxed lunches but they just weren't cutting it so I had to resort to consuming my rare seahorse tongues, which completely heal a Shen.

Awww, he's cute.  I wish Amai was here to eat him.

After just barely defeating the ichthyosaur, I returned to Ala Singh to retrieve my promised reward, the Dragoon Flute.  I hustled to the dragon nursery to play it for Amai but the matron stopped and informed me that Amai was big enough to head out on her own.  Huzzah!  I was then treated to a little cut scene that listed all the tenets of the Dragoon before being allowed to begin our super fabulous adventure together.

Uh, maybe we should get all
those cysts checked out first.

I bought Amai some gear and then stayed at the inn just to get a baseline of her stats.

I think the 6,000 rupees I spent
on Legos made a big difference.

Boy oh boy, did we ever have fun running around just outside Hoverpool, killing everything in sight and feeding it to Amai.  She's so much cooler than I expected as well; she doesn't just have a standard attack.  Rather, I can command her to either tear, beat, or bite the enemy.  I can even choose to not have her attack at all and instead mock the creatures.  Mocking still does damage for some reason but my imagination had a field day coming up with all kinds of japes and jeers for Amai to inflict upon our hapless foes.

"Tadpoles, we kill you now... STUPIDS!"

Amai was rapidly gaining weight and height and I couldn't have been more proud.  She even gained a fourth attack in the form of a breath weapon (I'm sticking with the classic fire breath though I was tempted to go with chlorine gas).  As she matured, I guess I should have seen it coming but I was caught off guard when she started disobeying me.  Yes, my sweet little girl had become a repugnant and detestable teenager.  Soon, she was defying my every request, purely just to spite me.  I outsmarted her for a bit by always telling her to defend but she caught on and started doing things like running away and even attacking me occasionally.

Don't even ask why this guy is offering us a spoonful
of hot oatmeal — that isn't important right now.

Her attacks didn't do much damage, mainly because I'm the muthafuckin' Nung with a 200 Defense, but for every point of damage she did to my HP, I lost about ten from my heart.  Disillusionment and despondence soon turned into annoyance and irritation which was quickly followed by my patented rage and fury.  Every time Amai would run away I would scream out "GOOD RIDDANCE!" and get on with killing the monsters.  She always returned at the end of the battle, however, like nothing fucking happened.  Oh, and it was just absolutely PRECIOUS when she would take a beating while in combat and then run away right near the end so that I couldn't feed her the corpses after to replenish her HP.  And thanks to the Dragoon's code, if she dies, then it's the same as if I died and — poof! — half my rupees are gone. Her scales are still soft so she takes a lot of damage when she's hit and it's making questing a real pain in the ass.  I had heard about a fountain located north of Hoverpool that would have hardened her scales up but it turned out to be all dried up.  Exasperated, I checked her stats to see what might be wrong and, of course, the ONE abbreviated stat that I haven't figured out is as low as it can be.

Sympathy?  Symptom?  Symbiosis?  Symposium?

Amai's morale used to be one as well but playing the Dragoon Flute raised it a bit.  Oh crap, does MOR even stand for morale?  Seems like that would overlap with bravery.  Oh crap!  Maybe I'm wrong about bravery too.  Dammit, now I'm second guessing myself on everything.  My one possible salvation came after meeting a fellow Dragoon who gave me some advice after pleasantries were exchanged.

She's being a very bad girl but it's kinda
difficult to ground a 365 kg teen.

This lady Dragoon mentioned something along the lines that Amai may be craving stronger creatures to consume as she matures.  I had been playing it pretty conservatively since her scales are still so soft but perhaps she needs to experience some harsh combat in order to come of age.  Ah, Shen old boy, you've been too overprotective of your delicate little flower.  You've got to let her spread her cysts into the morning sun and be free as the wind.  I should have realized that the solution to every female problem is more food.  I hope that SYM will increase and not just the other stats or I'll eventually get to the point where Amai might be able to deal some serious damage to me during one of her little outbursts.  My only other option is to save up a lot of rupees to buy some strange and expensive items in Hoverpool; perhaps one of those can deal with this symple problem I'm having.