January 17, 2013

Legend of Peach Boy - Life's the Pits

There have been a number of setbacks, mostly due to my own fault and always resulting in loss of gold.  You see, back at the beginning of my journey, there was some random encounters with a Poverty God creature.  His main attack was to steal one to three golds which, even at the time, was nothing much to worry about.  Sometime later, I came across his palette-swapped brethren, the Famine God.  This clown would steal exactly half my gold and then I would get scared of it happening a second time so I would flee.  Every time this foe was encountered, I would just run away in hopes that he wouldn't get an opportunity of attack.  It was only when I accidentally killed one off that I found out that I get all the gold back.

How dare you use real world
logic in a video game!

With that precedence set, I came across a different creature, called a black Kappa, that stole all my gold on hand.  While I was correct in thinking that I would get all my gold back should I happen to defeat the kappa, I was quite taken aback when it decided to flee with my 10,000+ gold.  For reference, most battles at this point net me around 250 golds per fight.  I was left dumbfounded and flabbergasted.

This is actually a ten minute video
taken immediately after.

Further adding to my Rage Meter™ was the fact that banks do exist but I had forgone their usage because: a) they charge a 10% deposit fee, and b) fuck banks.  Well, I ended up putting aside my unfounded paranoia and started using banks from here on in.

Where'd this guy pick up
the Brooklyn accent?

In an attempt to salve my bruised ego and actually make some progress, I decided to head to the next wizard and pick up a new spell.  Instead of having me just fight him, he put me through a "trial by fire" by having me walk through a couple corridors of lava and blast through a bunch of boulders.  All these activities cost me magic points as I healed my burnt body and lightning-bolted the giant rocks.  I wasn't at full strength (but pretty close) and almost made it to the end.

 Keep the lava stoked; I'll be right back.

Somewhat predictably, the wizard gives me a Float spell which allows me to pass over hurty tiles.  With most tiles doing a hefty 20 HP of damage, this spell is much more cost effective than just healing.  I was now not feeling so bad for losing all those golds but my progress would soon be halted again by the puzzle of the North Jizo row.  The row consists of a long line of talking statues that each give a word (17 total) that must be unscrambled in order to solve the puzzle.  The Jizo is also known to be fond of puns and, in fact, there's a whole town of assholes who say nothing other than punny jokes.  Hey, is that a montage of shitty jokes I see a-comin'?

Eh.  Still funnier than that
lame Inconsolable blog.

Even basic town services are unavailable while shop owners decided to yuk it up.

What?  You don't sell any Dragging Snails?

Anyway, the Jizo row puzzle is pretty difficult and Oh hey, did I mention the wizard who taught me how to fart?

Puns AND toilet humour?  Now
you're just spoiling me, game.

Anyway, the Jizo row puzzle is pretty difficult.  There are no sentence particles within the word list, mostly just nouns.  It appears to be instructions on where to search but it seems pretty vague.  Three of the four compass directions are in the list, making it even harder to determine where to go (e.g. Under North Rock could just as easily be Under South Rock or Under East Rock).  Oh crap!  I just realized now that it could also be Under South East Rock or North East Rock as well.  I spent a lot of time just randomly searching around the area but found nothing other than a nondescript tile near the ocean that completely healed me for some reason.

Damn you Jizos!  What is your secret?

Since one of treasures I need is most likely what is found, I'll have to come back to this one later; I've wasted enough time as it is.  I still only have one of the damn treasures (still haven't found Ginji) but this was soon rectified when I ate some toxic fugu in Wish Town.  The poison almost killed me but luckily the town priest had some antidote on hand and saved me.  The restaurant owner felt so bad that he gives me the Golden Coat, bringing my treasures total up to a massive two.

Ahh!  It's my first time all over again!

Pressing on, the battles become tougher and tougher, eventually leading me to fleeing most fights (good success rate) while I explored and found new towns.  I did have one major fight with a mountain witch which I won only by sinking large amounts of magic points into my devastating Hexagon attack.  Oh, sorry, I mean my Hexagoooonnnnn! attack.  I took her boat and ordered my monkey (oh yeah, I have a monkey now as well) to row me across the lake.

How about you row and I nap?

After crossing the lake and still avoiding as many enemies as possible, I eventually come across Bamboo Bird Town.  Most of the townsfolk talk about Oni Island, so I assume that it's close.  Also living here is the Moon Princess herself, which I wasn't really expecting.  With only two of the five treasures in my possession, I felt quite embarrassed and humbly kowtowed in her presence.

You're going to have to wait even
longer there, sugar tits.

I do like how I was able to get this far without the proper MacGuffins.  Nonlinearity in these early RPGs is always appreciated.  Time to backtrack and get me some more treasures.  The town of Crab Monkey Town, that had previously been deserted due to the mountain witch, was now filled with people.  Due to speaking with every NPC in every town, I knew that Ginji the thief would be disguised as some town's fortune teller and that one of my recently acquired spells would reveal him to me.  Can you guess what spell that was?

Of course you can.

I got the Dragon Pendant Necklace back and now I guess I have no choice but to solve this damn Jizo row puzzle.  Actually, scratch that.  I'm just going to grind until I can afford all the best equipment and am strong enough to take on the random encounters.