November 21, 2011

Famicom Wars - Call Me A Tip-top Tic-tactician

The crimson tide continues to swell o'er the puny forces of the democratic pig-dogs.  Too busy playing with their vidja games and listening to tha Biebz to know that the Red Army is coming to annihilate their toxic society and replace it with glorius communism (also toxic).  All things considered equal, the Blue Moons dawdle around too much in the early game to snag enough cities by the time conflict starts.

On some maps, that doesn't matter. *cough*

In addition to this waste of movement, the enemy general takes forever to make decisions.  Go on, go ahead and brew yourself a cup of tea or have a quick trip to the loo or reshingle your bloody roof.  Why is a computer taking so long to make these decisions?  I'm probably about half computer and I was easily on par with General Blue time-wise.  Thank goodness for my ever present Time Dilation Transmorgifier (also known as button 8).

Normally it's the more expensive units that are the stars of the show.  Jet fighters, medium tanks, and battleships are the big ticket items that a general generally generals after.  So far though it's been the cheap as borscht infantry that have shone the most.  They very rarely get taken out in a single attack and make excellent meatshields to hold newly captured cities until heavier reinforcements can arrive.  Add in the ability to combine damaged units together (which all units can do) and you've got an unstoppable wall of killing that can hold its own against tanks, copters, artillery, or whatever else you care to throw against it.

We've also got hot Tank-on-APC
action as well.

At the conclusion of each map, the game displays a short summary screen detailing things like gold spent and how many cities were taken over.  Oddly enough, it also has a picture of each general and that general's age.  These pictures do not show up at any time during the actual battle and they are different for each map.  In a desperate and, ultimately, futile attempt to inject some role play into this character-lacking game, here is a transcript of the post-battle dialogue between the generals Topper and Kakefu.

T:  Well met, old chap.  The battle was well fought but ultimately my sweet stovepipe hat has won the day.
K:  Kakefu thought that part of head!
T:  Maybe your ridiculous eyebrows got in your way.
K:  Kakefu feelings hurt!
T:  *sigh* This is the worst RP ever.
K:  Concur!